you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
