I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
