do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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