I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
