i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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