Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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