I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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