I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize