fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
