I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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