It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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