I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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