We named our party play list daddy issues
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
