I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
