I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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