I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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