Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
