I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
