My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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