My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
