the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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