I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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