Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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