They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
