you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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