I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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