what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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