ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
