Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
