just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
