Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
