Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
