Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
