I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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