You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
