it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
