Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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