I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
