oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
