guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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