I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
