So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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