Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
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