1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i barfeds in our rink
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
