Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
