im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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