My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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