Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
