i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
