I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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