I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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