I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
