Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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