my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
