I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
