i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
