Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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