New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
