i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
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He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
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but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
my nose is crying tears of wow.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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