Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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