if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
