when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
