I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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