You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
