if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
